“Get It Together, or Leave it Alone”

So many times, I tell myself, “Man, I really need to get my shit together”. Is it really that deep, no, but there are some changes that need to be made in order for me to continue to progress. I usually am super hard on myself and try to do everything all at once, and I always end up being over it super-fast. Like dieting… good ol’ dieting… I would cut everything out of my diet and just breathe air, thinking that this is sustainable, haha. All exaggeration aside, it is important to be able to sit down and think of the changes that need to be made. Better yet, changes that we wish we could have made, and make plans towards improving ourselves.

I received an exercise where I was asked, what would my life be like, in 3 years, if I continue to let my bad habits stand in the way? I wouldn’t say that my habits are bad per say, but they do have some repercussions in the long term. Like my poor relationship with food and exercising. Or me being fearful of everything, so I just freeze and don’t do anything. In three years, I will be 42 and if I keep on with these habits, I will definitely be on my 600 lb life and will forever be lonely (society is not exactly kind to plus size people, especially shy, awkward ones), still living at home, with no job, or any prospects, probably sitting alone in the dark of my room at home or a ward somewhere, because I would have finally given up on myself. It is sad and true. This realization broke my heart and made me think, now is the time to get it together.

A life well lived isn’t one where I don’t move because of fear of heartbreak, hearing no, or doing the wrong thing. That is not living, and I have to keep telling myself that I don’t have the answers to every possible outcome, and I won’t know until I try, and that shit scares me, let me tell you… Not knowing?! Not being prepared for everything?! It makes my stomach churn even thinking about it. But, by not doing, I am not living, and one thing I have been craving the most lately is to live, in spite of my fear, but that fear is so deep in my being, it is hard to shake.  

My first step in shaking my fear is allowing myself to be seen, even if it is my words at first… it is still me. Next is actually getting help with weight and exercise, and dare I say, taking baby steps (Lord help me and give me patience). I think that is the one thing that has not been helping me in so long, is that, I never take baby steps, always go hard and full throttle. This time, I’m going to try to do this differently. I am only racing against me, and past me has failed, so present me is already winning. Would you like to be with my on this journey? I don’t know what it will look like, but I need to do something. One of my goals, when it is sunny out, is to get a bike and teach myself to ride (yes, yes, I don’t know how to ride a bike, shutup). I am so terrified haha, but I am excited.

All in all, I feel the memorable stuff in life happens when you least expect it. I have to continue to tell myself that I am safe and protected. I am discerning and alert. My 30s have so far taught me what true self love is and I know myself more than I know. I got this, and I got you if you don’t want to go at things alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDrU3kSFRN-7o&v=rU3kSFRN-7o